I guess seeing Honey Boo-Boo Child and the rest of the toddlers in tiaras should have prepared me for this. But no, not even the teeny-tiny shorts and obnoxious “I’m too pretty to do math!” t-shirts made me ever think that this birthday card could come to be.
If you can’t click the link, it’s a birthday card that clearly states, “You’re 13 Today!” So, no, it’s not intended for a 30-year-old woman. Even if it was, it would still be despicable—it’s crazy sexist and stupid, not to mention that it features ugly art—but as it is, it’s downright abominable.
Beneath that simple header, the card reads, “If you had a rich boyfriend, he’d give you diamonds and rubies. Well, maybe not, but maybe next year when you’ve bigger boobies!”
I wish it was just a joke, but it’s apparently a read birthday card for real 13-year-olds intending to—what, let them know they aren’t good enough for diamonds and rubies unless they have large breasts? Or that value is found in such items rather than anything else—or that a man will not love them unless they have said large breasts?
I cannot even begin to address how wrong this thing is. The phrase “you’ve” makes me think it might be a British card—I never heard my American friends saying “you’ve” unless it’s something like “You’ve got broccoli in your teeth” in the present, not the future, tense—and I’m all about dark British humor. I really am. I love it. But this isn’t humorous.
If it were between grown women, I guess I could get it—like I said, it would still insinuate all of the sexist and materialistic sentiments above—but it’s for a teen girl who is just beginning to develop, who is so self-conscious already she thinks everyone in the world is looking at her, who is so impressionable that hearing something like this could leave an imprint on her for life.
Think I’m going overboard? Ask Lindsay Lohan what her life might be like if someone hadn’t told her she’d be great with “bigger boobies!”
There is a chance it’s a joke card—I don’t know how, since the age is clearly stated—but even if it is, some idiot is going to think it’s funny and buy it for an impressionable young girl.
Anyone who buys this card should be punched in the face. So should the person who designed it. Of course, as a pacifist, I’d gladly settle for burning all of these stupid things and ensuring they never be handed out to anyone, ever.